Alligator Wrestling

Gator Head by Monica R

I had napped during the day yesterday, so I was surprisingly awake at 2 a.m. binge-watching a British cop show on Netflix. I forced myself to go to sleep because I have this Corgi monster who will wake me up in the morning NO MATTER WHAT. Who needs an alarm clock? Not I.

I woke up a mere four-ish hours later and looked at the machine that helps me breathe at night. It tells me how long it was on and how many apneic episodes I had during that time. This morning it was an alarming 15 episodes! A L A R M I N G. It’s like I hardly actually slept at all.

I thought, well, this is going to be an interesting day. Good thing it is all mine to call my own. Then I remembered….I wrestled an alligator in my dreams.

I know. Who does THAT?!

While I was wrestling, I told myself to remember this dream, to interpret it. It was so unusual. And so real. It was definitely an alligator – not a crocodile. I don’t live anywhere near where alligator reside, by the way. It was totally symbolic and came to me for some reason. It was FIERCE and I was NOT going to win. Then something reminded me that I have the power to change anything happening in my dreams or my life.

And I do. As do you.

I’ve been through an extremely transformative few days, in leaving my job of 7-plus years, the stress of a crazy, disrespectful workload. My body has been decompressing since Thursday as I feel aches and pains of my muscles as the years-stored tension releases from my body. My daily tarot for yesterday was 2 of Pentacles – all about change. Today it was 7 of Cups, all about releasing indulgent behaviours. Man, I am RIGHT in it.

I knew the alligator was a powerful symbol for me. My go-to site for learning about symbolism is Avia Venefica’s What’s Your Sign.

There was a TON of information on her site regarding alligators/crocodiles. I wrote down all the bits that resonated with me and just sort of let it all seep in. What I have taken from the information is this: the alligator is a fearless, ancient creature with forthright energy (yeah…I know. I was wrestling with it, and I was not going to win). It sees clearly into emotional worlds. The Native American meaning is that it is responsible for creation. It has a deep abiding connection to the Mother (Nature).

And here I was, wrestling with it. What was the wrestling about? Am I wrestling with my creative process? When I combine this with the card I drew this morning – 7 of Cups – hmmm…what comes to mind is the call of my creative expression balanced with the change in jobs. The alligator does not want me to just change jobs. And that is not my intention. Alligator wants me to really do what I intended to do with this change – uplevel my creative expression. My intention in getting this job was not only to release me from the grips of the previous job – oh, it had it’s jaw LOCKED on me HARD. It was also to give me some breathing space. To give me back some of my time (no more commuting for 1.5 hours/day) and to still hold me in a similar financial income space, which is actually an act of self-love.

Alligator is about fierce protection. Alligator does not want me to forget about my creative dreams. All those images, visions, ideas that do not stop coming through. There is SUCH an abundance, like picking fruit off the orchard trees. Ideas everywhere, all the time. Alligator can help me become grounded and settled into my emotions. I see a path unfolding in front of me.

This was a very powerful and significant dream for me. This FIERCE alligator energy – it’s DAUNTING. I was FIGHTING with it, for Goddess-sake. Those who know me would never associate my personal energy with an alligator, which I find so funny, and certainly got my attention, which reminds me that the Universe always has a sense of humour.

I am so grateful for this gift. I intend to remember and call upon alligator energy in the days and weeks ahead as I break old habits of thought that are destructive and create a life full of creative intention. I am so very, very happy with my Self and my life right now. It was tremendous work to get here. Lots of wrestling 🙂 Lots of intention setting, too. Forging ahead with my own version of forthright energy, like the alligator. Ooooh. I’m a beast, heh?!

The Lightworker Tarot Spread

I was searching for a kind of “set your week up using tarot” spread but, instead, I found this one, which turns out to be perfect for me for now.

I’ve been feeling a lot of creative urges lately. Probably because it’s been awhile since I did anything remotely creative, other than trying my hand at #sashiko (see my pants here 🙂 )

I’ve received messages about creating book(lets) and journals and messages and things to write. It’s been relentless. Spirit. Spirit has been relentless. My Soul Aiyeesha. SHE has been relentless. It doesn’t matter what you call it. I call it Aiyeesha for convenience. I like personifying Soul. Helps me relate better. And maybe not forget to check in with her from time to time (except this week I have totally not gotten around to it, but guess what? She’s still there. She’s always there and always will be.)

So I know there’s this calling that is happening to me. And it is not just coincidence the calling is becoming louder now that I’ve landed this new job which, I maintained from the beginning, was a gentler day job. It will enable me to work in the same community in which I live. There will be more time for my internal pursuits and my creative expression. It is a perfect compromise between desiring the financial security I have become accustomed to, and taking the leap to full-fledged productive creative monster (the good kinda monster).

I follow a group on Facebook, Cathy Heller’s Don’t Keep Your Day Job. It’s been super-fantastic in encouraging us to pursue our dreams. My new job is not my dream. It’s still a job. It’s still working for the government. For me, it is not feasible or prudent to JUST quite my day job and go for it. Taking this more gentle job is a way for me to honour myself. It is an act of self love right now to keep a steady paycheque coming in, to not risk becoming homeless again. Yeah. Again. I’ll write about that eventually. I’ve recovered from decisions made unconsciously. Big decisions like career, for me, need to be made deliberately, consciously, carefully. There is still a sense of trepidation as I move from one job to the next. There IS change happening. There ARE unknowns. But the risk is not great. There is no fear, really, just, well, excitement, I guess. I’ve really needed a break from the job I’m finishing up. For a long time. That time has finally come.

So I found this spread on Emerald Lotus – Lightworker: Understanding Your Gifts.

I’ve been consumed lately with changes in my career. Yes, I landed a new job and I could not be happier….scratch that. I COULD be happier. I allow even MORE happiness into my life. I invite it in, ever-flowing, ever-expanded. But you know what I mean.

I am like any one of us…struggling at times to keep the balance between living just focused on the external world and remembering there is an internal world within, which, ironically, is everything to the external. I haven’t meditated in-depth for quite awhile. I’ve not journalled, or done any of the things that bring me comfort. Sometimes I get caught up in life. I got back to it today, and it feels so good. Hello, Soul…

  1. Card to represent my energy as a lightworker. This is about releasing worry about external things, such as health, finances, creativity, work, relationships. This is an opportunity to RELEASE this worry, by collapsing the worry of the past and future by being present.

2. Why I have incarnated on Earth at this time. This card is about the universal principle of abundance, prosperity and expansion. Awakening to the possibilities that can turn our lives in more positive and expansive directions.

3. How I can use my energy to be of service. Universal principle of change and causation. Be open to new creative opportunities, explore avenues of my creativity that have been dormant, and dynamically express my creativity without reservation.

The affirmations accompanying this card in Angeles Arrien’s The Tarot Handbook will be useful for me moving forward:

I stimulate and motivate others positively.
I am responsible for what I cause.
I accomplish things effortlessly and well.
I enjoy the combination of quietude and activity.

4. How I can come into deeper self awareness. An opportunity to move through old fears of failure – whether it is about something external failing, succeeding or handling the success. Hmmm…

5. How I can honour my gifts. That aspect of the mind that has newly mastered creative-intuitive thinking. The inspired mind that does not want to be restricted, limited or restrained. Mastery of Creative and Intuitive Thinking

I’m working on an online course (just decided that right this red hot minute 😉 ) on how I use oracle cards for everyday guidance. Stay tuned for that (or better yet, sign up for the Goddess Love Letter and be among the first to know).

I love using my cards to help me focus on what I want in life. I look up each card (because I’m just not that skilled that I have all the meanings memorized and/or not so tapped into intuitively knowing their meaning) in a good handbook. I read what it says/suggests and sometimes just skim until I have a feel for what is trying to be relayed to me. It’s a very personal process and a very personal meaning.

After this spread, reflecting on the cards, writing this blog, I’m feeling much more focused on next steps. I’m wrapping up old investigations with my old job. The new job is around the corner. AND there is so much more I want to channel/create/share with the world. As big as this new job and the ensuing changes is, it’s really just the beginning…

Building Muscles of Courage, Patience and Bravery

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Dear Goddesses,

This past week has been one of the more intense ones in my life, and Goddess knows I’ve experienced some intense ones. Who hasn’t? Like that great sexy beast Jim Morrison said, “Nobody gets out of here alive”. And nobody gets to live a rich, full, succulent life without getting put through the ol’ wringer. A couple of times or thousands. It hardens us and softens us at the same time. It makes us release who we thought we were and allow who we truly are to unfold.

But it’s haaaaarrrrrrrdddddd.

I feel like I’ve visited this place on my spiral of Life enough times to know now, that this too, shall pass. In the middle of it, it feels like, “Oh no, it won’t!” but it does. It will. It always does. It’s a matter of holding our seat, not losing our sh*t. AND…finding solace in those places, practices, and people who hold us while we navigate the inner, often rocky, landscapes of the mind.

It takes a great deal of courage, of patience, of bravery, to move through these really hard times. If you’re going through a hard time right now, I want you to know, you ARE courageous, patient and brave. And the thing about those capacities is we don’t feel all that courageous, patient and brave while we’re BEING those things. It’s only when you come out the other side (and you absolutely will) that you may recognize – – and give yourself credit for – – navigating the journey in a way that enables you to see how beautiful you truly are. Eventually, I trust, you will be able to acknowledge all the good within yourself. You don’t need courage, patience and bravery to get through these rough spots. You already have them. You have to find them, in the moment, while you’re right in it.

You lack nothing for this journey. Nothing.

You have what you need already, you just may not be seeing it.

You know, this world we’re in…man, it makes you believe it’s not okay to be proud of yourself, of your accomplishments. That is SUCH a disservice to humanity. This thought pattern out there, that you shouldn’t brag, you’re not a good person if you think highly of yourself…such B.S. We ought to acknowledge that thought pattern for what it is and decide differently. Decide that it is not only okay to look back at what you’ve accomplished, the goals you HAVE reached, the goodness you DID contribute to the world, the courage, patience and bravery you DID demonstrate on your previous challenging episode, but it is IMPERATIVE to the evolution of humanity that we FEEL GOOD about ourselves and our accomplishments. With humility, of course, but feel good about it at least for the ability to remember you’ve been through a similar tough time before, you sharpened your skills, you got this, you can do this.

It breaks my heart when people give up. I get that it’s an option and obviously the only one they can see at the time. Not giving up takes tremendous courage. Overcoming (fill in the blank) takes tremendous courage.

I had a job interview this week. One of the questions was about what barriers could I see in working remotely and how would I handle them. I thought about this before the interview (before even applying, frankly), and I let them know I had already given it some thought. I was not able to identify any specific barriers, but I did share that I have surmounted every obstacle that rises up before me in my life. And I have. That’s not bragging. That’s not even being proud. It was just me letting them know I am no stranger to obstacles. I got this and anything else Life wants to throw at me. I know, without a doubt, I can handle whatever arises. Because I always, always do. Maybe not as gracefully as I may want, maybe not as quickly as I may want, but I do. Eventually, energies around a thing shift. And they will for you, too.

Courage, dear ones. Patience. Bravery. You go this, you really do. Don’t forget. You’ve been through stuff before and overcame your obstacles. Big or little, doesn’t matter. Courage, patience and bravery are muscles we develop along the way. Going to the mental gym can suck as much as a physical gym, but it’s what we gotta do from time to time to become stronger.

Whenever we lift weights at the gym, our physical muscles go through a bit of a breaking down process at the cellular level and with rest they come back stronger. Same thing with our inner journey. These episodes that we find so frickin’ challenging (sigh) ARE breaking us down. To make us stronger. To make us more resilient. To make us even more courageous, patient and brave. There is a method to the madness. Hold your seat, but not your breath.

You got this. xo

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Photo by Owen Beard on Unsplash

Q: What does my Soul want me to hear?

A: Allow your life to unfold.

Drop your shoulders. Go for a fitness walk without the dog. Move the energy through your body. Keep moving your physical body.

Your physician cannot understand. But that isn’t her job. She’s more like a mechanic for the physical body.She cannot comprehend the mind/body connection because she is steeped in the environment of medical journals and studies and pharmaceuticals. That is her lens. It is futile to think you can get her to see things your way. And that’s okay.

How Shifting Your Perspective Shifts Your Life

Photo by Adheesha Paranagama on Unsplash

Q: What does my Soul want me to hear today?

A: It is suggested you see things differently. Instead of naming a sensation impatience, consider eagerness. It is a much more loving of self. Instead of naming the sensation “dread”, make a shift to “excitement”. How you view yourself is everything. The names you places on feelings have vibrations.

Focus on your vision board. You are a different mind now than before. You are open to understanding how a vision board really works. You know it is okay – in fact, desirable – for you to allow yourself to feel excited about the house you see there. There is a renewed confidence in your abilities to manifest the feeling state the images invoke in you. You know now, it is for the shift in vibration. It does not matter so much if the house shows up in your physical reality – although it will, in some form. The joy you receive in the moment that you visualize IS the having of the house. That’s right…

Sitting in your lounge chair while the boys are playing in and around the pool, there is SO much joy, and gathering together later for a beautiful meal outside, lasting well into the night, twinkle-lights and music and laughter. You KNOW how to have a good time and it starts right there, in your mind’s eye.

How does it feel?

Take yourself there very often. What are you wearing? How does it feel?

Who is with you? How does that feel?

Hear the laughter of the boys. How does THAT feel?

The sun on your body. The light of the sun. The sparkle of the water coming off the pool. How does it all feel?

We promise you, go to San Diego in your mind frequently. The visioning you do really will pull you forward, right into it. Worry less about the present moment. It will only bring more of the same.

Start your days investing in your vision. Because this is how it works. This is how you create a life you love.

To clarify, the reference to going to San Diego in my mind frequently is credited to the MANY transmissions I’ve listened to from Abraham-Hicks. The Hicks’ say, when they’re going from Yuma to San Diego, it does no good to stop on the way and ask why they aren’t in San Diego yet, and maybe they should go back. Basically, one needs to keep focusing in the direction of their dream or goal or vision.

Hello Soul

Background photo thanks to David Monje on Unsplash

My lovely friend Maggie (Soulsong Intuitive Arts) sat beside me as I learned to channel a few weeks ago. I had always wanted to learn, but I guess I never really believed before that I could. In truth, I know now, it was because I was blocking myself with that belief. First step is believing it is actually possible. So here’s what happened…

I started with the opening on my journal page, “What does my Soul want me to hear today?” Then I sat and waited.

Actually, back up a sec…While I was writing that sentence in my journal, an image came to mind of my Soul Aiyeesha, surrounded by a bunch of other guides, all eager and excited, saying things like, “She’s doing it! We’re going to get to talk to her now! Yay!” It was quite funny, really…

As instructed, I wrote what came to mind.

Soft lavender velvet.

What?! Is that it? Patience required…

There is a line up of Guides waiting for this opportunity. We are so glad you have decided to connect with us. It really is this easy.

You are safe and there is nothing to be fearful of.

It is this easy. You have not been accustomed to ease, which is why you have not been receptive or able to receive. You have been used to hard. Life does not have to be hard anymore. And I know you feel like crying about that. I want you to consider that the tears may be fear tears. Fear of letting go of the struggle. Fear of knowing who you are if there is no struggle anymore, as though the you you thought you were will be no more and, I guess, that is what is happening.

You are making space for the real you.

Aiyeesha et al.

And so, March 2019 is the time in my life that I started channeling. Soul journaling. Writing again on my blog. Sharing. Connecting with my Soul and other Guides, I know I will never, ever, EVER be without content. This is the adventure I’ve been wanting in my life and I truly feel I’ve come alive to something worth exploring. It is so fun and unexpected and fresh.

p.s. The soft lavender velvet was so that I would recognize Aiyeesha. As I learned in Elisa Romeo’s book Meet Your Soul, the image I had of Aiyeesha was that she was wearing a velvet, lavender dress. So that was for me <3 .

Awakening My Heart

Photo by Wyron A on Unsplash

Note: This is a soul journal session I wrote on March 3, 2019. For those who are new here, I have connected with my Soul, as learned from Elisa Romeo’s book, Know Your Soul, and her name is Aiyeesha.

Aiyeesha, I tried to connect with you but I could not hear you. There is a lot of background noise. I know I created it. I don’t know why I’m so resistant of late.

Life wish/death wish, I guess.

It is no secret how hard I find life on Earth to be. I feel without direction again. I did hear you (I think it was you) a while back say, “Make little things and put your consciousness into everything you make” and goddess alter art came to mind. Spirit dolls. Bringing people into consciousness. It feels so hopeless and yet, as I watched a video with Elisa Romeo, that is the point. That hopelessness is why we have to do whatever we have to do.

My work is to raise consciousness. Mine and others’. THE work. The only work.

I did a 5 card tarot spread with my Mother Mary Oracle cards (by Alana Fairchild) on my career. Here’s what came about:

I am in the job I am to bring consciousness. I can ask the Angels for help. I have not done that before. I can be more open to messages in the future by paying attention to what my heart feels. My guide has been trying to convey that I take all that I am into my work. I am a healer. Up until now, I’ve been blocking off that part of me at work. This IS my healing work. This IS my holy mission. The message my guide wanted to give me is the same card I’ve had sitting on my altar for weeks. Our Lady of Soul Birth:

“…becoming a divinely awakened human being is a raw, wild and beautiful path, often with great suffering…She empowers us, through her wisdom, to take the journey with a fearless faith in her divine protection and guidance when we are in need.”

So I already know I do not take my Soul to work with me consciously. I know now She is always there with me. But I pretty much ignore her. Up until now. I have clarity now. The Angels are there, waiting for me to ASK for help.

Here’s the layout and the cards I pulled with a synopsis of the meaning (to me). You can find the layout I used from Emerald Lotus here.

Card 1: Card to represent your Guide – 3. Our Lady of Becoming

…comes to you with a message of grace and divine blessing from Mother Mary…comes to you at a time when you may be uncertain of your future…you are asked to surrender your concerns into Mother Mary’s care and to take a step – any step- that feels right for you.

Confirmation my Soul really has my back. I’ve pulled this card consistently for months.

Card 2: A message your Guide would like to give you in this moment – 5. Our Lady of Soul Birth

Somewhere in your life, in your relationships or within yourself, you have been holding back…you were worried that what wanted to come out was not acceptable, or that you would be shamed. Mother Mary tells you that she loves you and wants you to blossom…There is nothing to fear, there is only love that is growing.

I was in a place of wanting to write this blog, share my experiences, but also SO much fear was blocking me on taking action.

Card 3: Something your Guide has been trying to convey to you that you have not been receptive to in the past – 44. Our Lady of Charity

I call upon my strongest children to aid those in need…If you are interested in a profession of healing, or spiritual guidance or teaching in some way, pray to her to help you find the path forward, and do not worry about how it will come to pass.

I had never pulled this card before, so this was very exciting. I was feeling very torn about my profession. I sensed I had something more to do in this life, to do with all of those things mentioned above. I could not, for the life of me, see how my current job was in alignment with this calling I was feeling.

Card 4: How to be more open to messages from your Guide in the future – 9. Our Lady of Passion

Dare to dream of your fulfillment, beloved. I bring you the resources you need to succeed, so that all of this planet may benefit from your heart on fire with divine passionate purpose….the time has come.

This had everything to do with opening up and channeling my Soul, writing, sharing. Shortly after I did this spread, shifts happened and I learned to channel my Soul, who goes by the name of Aiyeesha.

Card 5: What is this Guide helping you with on your path – 25. Our Lady Who Sends the Angels

I have vast resources and can assist you in endless ways. Pray to me that I may send you my angels…Your sense of angelic energy around you is absolutely accurate and correct, and you are asked to trust in these beings and continue to pray for their assistance, protection and intervention.

More confirmation I am on my right path.

Check out Emerald Tarot ( for more awesome spreads. It’s becoming my go-to.

Caramel Cream

Background image thanks to Karen Culp

I had a lot of questions this session. After the first response, I admit, I felt a little panicked, as if this connection was something I just made up and it wasn’t real and wasn’t going to last. I am pleased to say, I have since been proven the opposite.

Q: What does my Beloved Soul want me to know?

Caramel cream. The Sweetness of Life.

(Baffled me, honestly, but okay, let’s go with it. Who knows what will come…)

Q: What should my business be about?

Write. Be a place of depth. Cut through the noise.

Q: Why am I having a hard time connecting today?

There is no reason and there is no difficulty. We are communicating all the time. I will never leave you. There is much noise on the internet. You will create a calm oasis of sanity. Don’t worry about how you will make money. Leave that up to us.

Q: What do I need to do for my physical body?

Yoga. Move all of that energy stored in your cells out into the world.

And then: Whenever we give you a download, just write about it. Add your own thoughts. For the highest and best for all.

And so it begins…

A Day of Rest

Photo by Jason caruso from Burst

Note: I had a really rough day at my job the day prior to this download. I was crying at 9 a.m. from the pressures. I found myself curled into the corner, still standing, mind you, repeating to myself, “I can’t take this. I can’t take this.” I got up the next day, went through the motions of getting ready for work, showered, and then really checked in with myself. What do I need? Is it alright to just pretend all that pressure is over and just start up again? Same shit, different day? I don’t mean to sound facetious. Lately, I have developed a deeper awareness of the need to take really good care of myself. That doing things that feel good are more important than anything. I cannot be helpful to anyone when I am curling up in a ball in my office having a breakdown at 9 a.m. on a Thursday. It was important for me to know I was choosing to not to go to work not because I was avoiding anything…but because I needed to take radical care of myself. I’m really glad I did, because I vegged out most of the day and remembered how it felt when I burned out from my nursing job 9 years ago. It was feeling the same. And that’s not because I can’t handle pressure. I’m a master at handling pressure. Sometimes well, sometimes not so well. I just don’t want to do it anymore. Certainly not this day. And so I was checking in with Aiyeesha. Aiyeesha Who Loves Me. The name I’ve given my Soul. Here’s what she had to say to me…

Q: What does my Soul want me to know or hear for my highest and best?

You are right to rest your heart and mind today. You are knowing how you want to feel, how you feel as your BEST self. Be with your dog today. Do the assignment. It was a very good decision to make.

You were right when you tapped into your throat chakra about producing the goddess-in-training series (a project that has been in the formulation stage for a LONG time; I totally forgot about it). They will be created by you. We will help.

P.S. Sometimes She doesn’t come through with a ton of content. This was one of those days and I had to take stock of where I was at. It’s never that She is not there. It’s more likely that I am wound up too tight to listen. Or hear. Or in fear. Fearful that I’m going to hear something I don’t like or can’t handle. That’s never been the case and I need to learn to trust Her absolute love for me. I’m learning.

The bit about the throat chakra – the day of the near meltdown (meh, maybe it was an actual meltdown), I felt quite stifled in being able to express myself. The way the job is, I really don’t get to say exactly what I want to say. Sometimes it seems it’s just not worth it. So yeah, my voice. I didn’t get to say how I felt. How much pressure I was feeling. How much pressure there really IS. Not just me and my sensitive feelings. I am a tough emmer effer. And maybe it was just the way the planets were aligning to make it this perfect storm. My voice was stifled, though, so I focused in my grounding and centering on my chakras, sending them healing light and attention and my throat chakra needed some TLC. No surprise. The lesson for me was, if I cannot express myself in the job, where can I express myself? The answer has been shared by Aiyeesha from Day 1. WRITE. (okay, okay!)

Ironically, the day or two prior to this meltdown at work, I checked in and received this:

You cannot hear when you are suffering. Really rest. Unplug. Stop staying up so late.


Didn’t recognize it for what it really meant. A bit of a warning, perhaps?!

Love and Above

Photo by Samantha Hurley from Burst

There is a new way to be, you MUST be, if you want to manage moving forward.

More play. Letting go of this idea you have of the world, of Life, of how it is “supposed to be”.

Radical acceptance of a new way. Radical letting go.

Q: How do I do this? How do I remove the blocks that are keeping me in fear?

Writing. It will always come from the highest and best part of yourself. Choose to write nothing but. When every word comes from Soul, they can’t touch that and there’s nothing to fear.

Not the trolls. Not the Muggles. No one. No thing. Nothing.

Make more art. That is your form of play. And play helps you loosen your grip. That place in your mind where you go and suspend all judgement. Where Soul can connect with you easier – if you are open. You can BE more open when you play. When you remove yourself from the mundanity of your life. (yes, that’s the word She used!)

Q: What do I need to know now?

Nothing. Just sit down and write.