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The Day I Understood My Value

 

Throughout the years, I have spent time and money on introspection and courses, on understanding the metaphysics of manifestation. Invariably, regardless of what I wanted or desired, it came down to this: Everything is waiting for you. It’s all there, waiting for you to allow it into your reality. You just have to value your being and allow it to manifest.

Okay, so let’s just say this is true. It would stand then, that if it’s all there waiting for me, and it has not yet manifested in my reality, then I am somehow blocking the manifestation process (with my thoughts and/or feelings) and thereby not allowing. One reason I may be blocking is by holding a belief that I am not worthy of receiving my good. This is actually a common problem among us humans.

Ending A Life of Struggle

I have been struggling with living a life of ease for many years. No hiding that. I have done an amazing job with my life, and I am proud of the work I have done and the children I’ve raised. But it hasn’t been easy. I was a single mom, who put herself through nursing school with two school-aged beauties,  then hooked up with a guy who was so negative. So negative. And angry and unhappy and suspicious. And I thought that if I loved him enough he’d be okay. This was all before I began exploring metaphysics. Duh.

I extricated myself from what was, essentially, an abusive relationship. I sacrificed a great deal and, thankfully, and not without a lot of work on my part, my relationships with my beauties are better than ever. It was very tenuous, though, and not without damages to them that they are or are not having to work through on their own now as adults. I regret causing pain, of course, but there seemed no other alternative at the time.

Valuing My Own Being

But see, if I valued my own being, I never would have been in that horrendous experience of a relationship. It was what it was, though, and I was where I was, at the time. I struggled with my self esteem as a child, as a teen, and, let’s face it, as an adult. I did not know my value, or see my worth. My parents were not those kind of parents who cared about that stuff.

I know I did not value my own worth, because the circumstances of my life demonstrated my beliefs. Our reality begins within our own minds first. Always. Not to mean that everything that happens to us is our ‘fault’, or that our thoughts cause the catastrophes we experience, etc. But you can very often look at the circumstances of your life and see it as a barometer, of sorts, on how you’re doing. Your reality is a reflection of the inner workings of your mind. I know. Deep.

Showing Up for A Friend

photo credit Miguel R Perez

Anyhow, the other day I texted a friend to see how she was doing. I knew she was moving soon, out of a house that she raised her family in. A house her husband built, on the ocean. A house where her young son died unexpectedly, years ago. There was a lot that happened in that house. I suspected (intuited?) that maybe she could use some support. I was not wrong. She had been feeling very alone, packing up the house full of memories by herself.

I showed up for her. She made us a cup of Gold Cup Chai tea and we sat on her deck. I was just my normal self, listening to her stories, telling her mine, just like we always do. She’s my best friend. I love her dearly. It occurred to me as I was leaving, that she was not in the same energetic space she was when I got there. It was profoundly obvious that my presence lifted her up.

Seriously, it was the EASIEST thing in the world to do. Took NO effort on my part, yet it was SO very important to me that she feel better, that she be able to return to the beautiful emitter of light that she is. The world needs her light, as it needs all our light. I suddenly saw my value. I “saw” how valuable I was. To her, in that moment. She said she was feeling a lot better and, I don’t know if it’s just because of the way she shared that with me, something just clicked.

You Have Nothing to Prove to Anyone

All these years, working SO FRICKIN’ HARD all the time, all out, every day, flippin’ exhausting myself. Why? To prove what? Well, it never proves anything because it just can be done. You can’t prove your worth to others. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Even when they tell you to prove it to them or treat you in a way that makes you feel diminished, thereby making you think you have something to prove.

You don’t owe anyone anything, especially proving your own worth to anyone else. The only person who has to come to understand your worth, is YOU. Then shift happens.

Closing the Gap

Maybe people who have always understood their worth in the world have always felt this good. I wouldn’t know. For whatever reason, my journey has been one of not knowing my worth, then working like stink, inside and out, and finding my worth. All the stuff I wanted before was wanted in an effort to fill up this freakin’ gaping hole within my being. Today I am content with what is. Today I am so incredibly high and happy on life. These days I wake up early, ready for what the day may bring. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and it’s because I’ve managed to close the gap within my being. I am home to myself. I know that I am love, and I am able, and capable, of radiating that love to the world. Because I see my light now. I’ve seen what it does. I can’t ever

photo credit Martin Winkler

undervalue that light ever again. It is a sacred light. It is the giver of life. It’s within every single one of us and we have a responsibility to nurture our being, care for ourselves, strengthen our will and bring our light to others, where we remind them of their own light. And so it goes.

Learning to Take My Own Good Advice

I’ve been on vacation the past two weeks from my day job. When I left work, I had been super stressed out. My blood pressure was elevated and I was NOT feeling very well at all. It took me about a week of vacation to start to come down from that feeling. I thought I’d never get back to a comfy laid-back kind of feeling, but I have. There was a lot going on in my life the past two weeks, so it was only natural to have felt the effects.

From Filth to Light

See, I moved after living in a small, dark, dingy basement suite for five years. Oh my goddess, you guys, the filth I was living in…I had no idea. I’ll have to write more about it later. It was that profound of an experience. I do have some theories about it. Had some good insights, so it’s all good. But boy, oh boy. It was a rough experience. Here’s the entrance to the brand new building I moved into:

From One to Two

So not only did I move, but my beautiful daughter gave birth to this sweet baby:

Baby Finn

This is my second grandson. Second grandchild. Love love love. If you’re not a grandparent yet, just wait. There’s nothing like it. For those who won’t get to experience that, I am sorry.  I cannot believe how wonderful it is to be a Nana. Love this role of mine.

Transitions

Lots of changes. As always, my thoughts have been on how to create my own work so I don’t have to work for the man. Or whoever/whatever. The government job that I am to return to on Monday. I’ve been on this specific journey for….years. Yeah. It’s been years of me thinking/hoping/praying on how to “figure out” how to work differently without compromising my present lifestyle. Which, I ought to point out, is NOT extravagant. I’ve been working at this government job for about seven years now. It’s stressful. The work is marginally rewarding. It’s important, for sure. But rewarding? Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you must do it. And that’s where I’m at currently.

I initially started this website totally convinced it was going to be me telling my readers (of which, I’m pretty sure, is zero at this writing) how to grow their goddess energy. Whatever that really means. I kept feeling really, really, stuck  and I could not get a sense of what to say or how to say it or what this website was really all about. I knew what I wanted to convey. Didn’t have a clue what direction to take it. And that’s what brings me to the title of this post. I am taking my own advice.

Listening to the Oracle

I have spent the past few days consulting with my oracle cards. Taking to heart what was being revealed to me. Much of it was about having faith, really. One card assured me there was a major transformational paradigm shift coming, and that surprise success was upon me. Hmmm. Everything seems the same. Then another card was about asking for help. Another assured me that Mother Mary knew what I wanted and I just needed to open up to it.

OMG people. It’s been intense. Privately intense. Intense, introspective thoughts that I have not shared with anyone. Thoughts like, “What the hell am I doing with my life at 57? What the hell do I think I’m doing, trying to BE something other than a government worker? At my age. Whatever that means.”

Taking My Own Advice

After all these very hopeful cards, I decided to really listen and made some changes to how I think about things. See, I do recall this little voice that kept whispering, “Where is my business that I want?!” As long as I kept THAT tape running, that’s what I got. A business that I wanted. Not one that I have. One that is wanted. My thoughts kept my desired manifestation in pushed away status. If Mother Mary knows what I want, why the hell am I continuously TELLING her that I want a thriving business of my own? SHE KNOWS. STOP TELLING HER OVER AND OVER. She knows. She. knows.

Asking for Help

So I’m asking for help from my guides and helpers and paying attention to how help is showing up. Help shows up when the guy who takes care of my cell phone stuff tells me there is a special discount for business owners and to come back when my business is set up. Help shows up when the delay getting my internet installed is suddenly, today, resolved. (I still don’t have internet at home and I’m writing this at Starbucks, but you get what I’m saying?) There’s been MOVEMENT. Stuff is starting to happen. Shifts are happening. Perhaps, even, that big paradigm shift…I’m right in it.

YES.

I’m always telling people to go within, that they have the answers they need within, that we really just need to silence our nattering minds and listen. So I’m taking my own good advice. I’ve been walking the talk this week, and it’s paying off. The information that has been passed down to me is that this blog is not about me as some sort of authority on living life as a goddess. It’s to completely be a showcase for my own experiences, to show you how to live a life as a goddess. Because I’ve had to teach myself how, and will continue to teach myself how. It’s a journey, not a finished project. Stuff will constantly come up that will provide me with an opportunity to respond in a goddess-like manner. Or not, and to forgive myself then.

I asked for guidance on what to make this website about. I knew it was a great name, but I honestly did not know much more. We’ll be moving in a more personal direction and you’ll get to see what I’m all about. How THIS goddess is growing. Even at 57. Because I won’t be done until the day I die. Even then, I suspect I’ll keep expanding.

Much love to you all,

Susan

A Closer Examination of My Heart

I’d been having issues with my heart. This was the day I went for an echocardiogram. An animated xray of the heart. I watched up close, searching desperately for some recognizable out of place thing. I saw a lot but it didn’t make any sense. Even to my nurse-trained eyes. I couldn’t tell if the valve was working properly. It was flapping around a lot, but I have nothing for reference that would tell me it was supposed to do that or not.

Broken Hearted

So now I wait, and I am pondering the idea of having a ‘broken’ heart. My thoughts take me back to the very first REAL heartbreak – uninvited news on our tenth wedding anniversary. I sat across from my husband, a sunny May evening, hardly anyone else around. Ten years of marriage, lots of ups and downs, but never giving up. We had a five year old and a three year old. I felt like we were just starting to get it together. We were in our early 20’s when we met. We had a lot of growing to do and a lot of childhood trauma on both sides to work through. Still, I thought we were going to make it. That is, until the bomb dropped.

A Fierce Reaction

I had a fierce first reaction to the news. Well, let me just show HIM what he would have missed if he’d left me for the dance major in university he was screwing while I was pregnant with our first child. I’ll show him how wild I can be. I’ll show him how he doesn’t really know me. It must have been the couple glasses of wine that made it feel all okay. It wasn’t okay. Truthfully, I was in shock and I could not deal. I shoved it right down into that deep, dark place where I put all the things that needed careful unpacking. Then I proceeded to invite him into the bathroom to screw. To somehow show him that it didn’t matter. That our love was stronger than an affair five and half years ago. Jesus Christ. What was I thinking?!

Scar Tissue on My Heart

I tried to be okay with what happened, for 25 years. Although I didn’t know what we had, I thought it was real. Only now can I admit that I chose to believe that he had nothing to hide from me. I told myself that he broke my heart, and I believed that for a long time. That HE did it. HE was the one who was unfaithful. HE was the one who found someone more interesting than big-as-a-house pregnant me. It was awful to unpack all that. I felt so unwanted, unattractive, unlovable, uninteresting and unbeautiful. I believed these reactionary “stories” about myself for a long, long time. It was a pretty deep wound that would take years to heal. The wound has become scar tissue and my heart will always be sensitive in certain places. It’s only natural.

So I believed, for a long time, that HE did it to ME. Truth: I never wanted to marry him in the first place but my self esteem was so in my boots, I didn’t believe a) that anyone more compatible existed, b) that I could survive on my own without being married and c) that I didn’t have to get married just because that was what my parents expected of me. They never overtly said it, but they never, ever communicated to me that it was also possible to go to university or focus on a career or travel.

Supported by the Universe

Fast forward. I’ve had a lot of heartbreaks. I always picked myself up. But I feel every goddamn little thing. I feel the heartbreak. It’s not just in my head. It’s in my body and, I suspect, my heart specifically. Just kind of interesting to look inside my physical heart to see what kind of effect all of this heartbreak has had on me.  My heart feels a little bit broken. I’m tired of trying to ‘make it’, to be alright. I just want to do what I love, plunge into a creative life, and live my purpose. Old me would say that’s just too much to ask. New me – the me who is now connected within to her inner being, her Goddess energy – would say, “YES”.

My heart has taken a beating over the years. I always manage to pick myself back up. Wounds heal over. Scar tissue forms. This thing with my actual heart may be something. May be nothing. I know myself well enough now to know, without a doubt, I am supported by the Universe. Everything always works out for me. And I am meant to live my best life.

 

 

My Inner Being Swears Like a Trucker

My inner being, my Higher Self, my guides, the collective, whatever you want to call it, mine has to throw down a few F-bombs to get my attention. I dunno. Just the way I am, I guess.

I am currently dealing with high blood pressure. While I’m sure it’s a result of the stress of my job, I also realize it’s not going to correct itself without removing the source of the stress.

Reading The Signs

I’ve known this for a long time. It’s foolish to believe I’ll get different results while doing things the same way. My job is stressful…to me. Others can cope working that job. I was going to say ‘under those conditions’, but conditions are subjective. What I find stressful may not be stressful for others. Or, I may find the work stressful BECAUSE IT IS and others have not woken up to it yet. They haven’t experienced the wacko high blood pressure I have. But I see they struggle, too, with chronic inflammatory illnesses.

I don’t believe we are meant to do that. I don’t believe Life is asking us to burn ourselves out like that, at the expense of our well-being. Sometimes, especially us caregiver types, we forget to put the oxygen on ourselves first. And we don’t notice we’re gasping for breath until sometimes it’s too late.

Wake Up Calls

The Universe will throw us some pretty good wake up calls. Sometimes we’re so caught up in the drama of our lives we answer those calls as if they are any other.

“Oh, hello [Universe, Higher Self, Inner Being], how are you?!”

“We’re good, good as always, never better, but we’re calling to address something we see happening for you that is taking you away from your true, authentic, soul calling and we want to help you course correct.”

“Okay, cool”

“You don’t understand. You’ve now got high blood pressure. You didn’t pay attention when it started rising a few months ago. You didn’t pay attention when you injured yourself not once, but twice in the last little while. Injuries that took some time to heal. You didn’t pay attention when you were driving home from work crying on the regular because of the stress. WTF, woman?! We’ve given you SO many ‘signs’ and still, you question whether you need to make a change. You seem unable to make the connection that this huge downhill spiral in your health since, oh, year three of the job, could mean that maybe, just maybe, you need to be doing something else. I mean, C’MON!!!!”

What Do You Really Want?

I pushed through it all. Not without complaining, mind you, and I thank my family and friends for putting up with all that complaining. It’s not a nice way to be. It’s not what I want my life to be.

The thing is, all these years, just a few, mind you, but these past, oh, about four years, I wanted change. Wanted it badly. I just didn’t wake up to something I’ve known for awhile. I did not wake up to the fact that the job, as hard as it had been for me, was a circumstance. It was something already created with the purpose of self-development. Pushing against it, trying to make it something it could never be, was a waste of my precious energies.

Live and learn.

F-Bombs from My Inner Being

My Inner Being threw some F-bombs down at me yesterday. A lot of “What the fuck are you thinking?!” and “What the fuck are you DOING?! AGAIN?!!!” And it wasn’t just the realization of the strain of the job. It had to do with another opportunity for work that came my way. It was really an opportunity for me to see how I fall oh so comfortably back into victim mode.

Just Because It Looks Good, Doesn’t Mean It’s Right

See, these guys were saying maybe we would go into partnership on a thing and it all sounded so big and exciting but it would have to happen by a certain (soon) date. I fell into this subservient thinking mode where I found myself bending backwards (and stressing even more!) trying to find a way to make this work. WTF, right?! Truth is, it JUST WON’T WORK FOR ME. Not under their timeline. I also don’t have the energy it would take to do what they wanted to do. They’ll have to find someone else. I have someone in mind and I’ll pass that along.

Lessons Are Everywhere

The lesson wasn’t that I would say yes to this opportunity and poof, all my angst would be relieved. How is that a lesson?

The lesson was this: Don’t be such a fucking pushover. AGAIN.

The lesson was this: OWN YOUR OWN FUCKING LIFE.

The lesson was this: YOU DON’T HAVE TO TAKE IT LYING DOWN. AGAIN.

The lesson was this: You don’t have to say yes to everything we present you just because it appears. Some things, even when they appear awesome, require discernment and checking in with your wise inner self.

And I did that. I checked in on why this wasn’t a Hell Yea. Because it wasn’t. It was an “OMG this is fantastic!”, a “Wow, this opportunity is amazing and out of the blue and therefore it must be a miracle and if I said no to it I’d be crazy”. There was no “Hell Yea” and I deserve a Hell Yea kind of life. We all do. Hell Yeas come from making decisions in alignment with your soul. I checked in with myself. I was not thrilled at what was ahead. It would be a whole lot of what I didn’t really want.

Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Must

Why would I say yes to that? Just because I CAN do something, and do it well, does not mean I should or must. Discern. Must be discerning. You just gotta check in with yourself and freakin’ LISTEN and take THAT action. Listening in to your inner wisdom, your inner Goddess, THE Goddess will never lead you astray.

I’m learning to trust that voice myself, still. I won’t pretend I do it all the time, but I’m getting better every time. My life, my well-being, depends on it. I’m learning to trust that voice, even though she swears at me, but that’s what it takes. She’s getting through to me. Finally.

 

Goddess Energy Made Manifest

Manifesting goddess energy on Earth means sharing a perspective that is rooted in the strength of nurturing, caring, loving, receptive, collaborative, supportive. All things feminine. Qualities formerly thought of as weak. Vulnerable.

No longer.

Goddess energy is all things feminine AND strong. Resilient. Solid and flexible at the same time.

Stay tuned for more….we’ve only just begun.