My lovely friend Maggie (Soulsong Intuitive Arts) sat beside me as I learned to channel a few weeks ago. I had always wanted to learn, but I guess I never really believed before that I could. In truth, I know now, it was because I was blocking myself with that belief. First step is believing it is actually possible. So here’s what happened…
I started with the opening on my journal page, “What does my Soul want me to hear today?” Then I sat and waited.
Actually, back up a sec…While I was writing that sentence in my journal, an image came to mind of my Soul Aiyeesha, surrounded by a bunch of other guides, all eager and excited, saying things like, “She’s doing it! We’re going to get to talk to her now! Yay!” It was quite funny, really…
As instructed, I wrote what came to mind.
Soft lavender velvet.
What?! Is that it? Patience required…
There is a line up of Guides waiting for this opportunity. We are so glad you have decided to connect with us. It really is this easy.
You are safe and there is nothing to be fearful of.
It is this easy. You have not been accustomed to ease, which is why you have not been receptive or able to receive. You have been used to hard. Life does not have to be hard anymore. And I know you feel like crying about that. I want you to consider that the tears may be fear tears. Fear of letting go of the struggle. Fear of knowing who you are if there is no struggle anymore, as though the you you thought you were will be no more and, I guess, that is what is happening.
You are making space for the real you.
Aiyeesha et al.
And so, March 2019 is the time in my life that I started channeling. Soul journaling. Writing again on my blog. Sharing. Connecting with my Soul and other Guides, I know I will never, ever, EVER be without content. This is the adventure I’ve been wanting in my life and I truly feel I’ve come alive to something worth exploring. It is so fun and unexpected and fresh.
p.s. The soft lavender velvet was so that I would recognize Aiyeesha. As I learned in Elisa Romeo’s book Know Your Soul, the image I had of Aiyeesha was that she was wearing a velvet, lavender dress. So that was for me <3 .
Note: This is a soul journal session I wrote on March 3, 2019. For those who are new here, I have connected with my Soul, as learned from Elisa Romeo’s book, Know Your Soul, and her name is Aiyeesha.
Aiyeesha, I tried to connect with you but I could not hear you. There is a lot of background noise. I know I created it. I don’t know why I’m so resistant of late.
Life wish/death wish, I guess.
It is no secret how hard I find life on Earth to be. I feel without direction again. I did hear you (I think it was you) a while back say, “Make little things and put your consciousness into everything you make” and goddess alter art came to mind. Spirit dolls. Bringing people into consciousness. It feels so hopeless and yet, as I watched a video with Elisa Romeo, that is the point. That hopelessness is why we have to do whatever we have to do.
My work is to raise consciousness. Mine and others’. THE work. The only work.
I did a 5 card tarot spread with my Mother Mary Oracle cards (by Alana Fairchild) on my career. Here’s what came about:
I am in the job I am to bring consciousness. I can ask the Angels for help. I have not done that before. I can be more open to messages in the future by paying attention to what my heart feels. My guide has been trying to convey that I take all that I am into my work. I am a healer. Up until now, I’ve been blocking off that part of me at work. This IS my healing work. This IS my holy mission. The message my guide wanted to give me is the same card I’ve had sitting on my altar for weeks. Our Lady of Soul Birth:
“…becoming a divinely awakened human being is a raw, wild and beautiful path, often with great suffering…She empowers us, through her wisdom, to take the journey with a fearless faith in her divine protection and guidance when we are in need.”
So I already know I do not take my Soul to work with me consciously. I know now She is always there with me. But I pretty much ignore her. Up until now. I have clarity now. The Angels are there, waiting for me to ASK for help.
Here’s the layout and the cards I pulled with a synopsis of the meaning (to me). You can find the layout I used from Emerald Lotus here.
Card 1: Card to represent your Guide – 3. Our Lady of Becoming
…comes to you with a message of grace and divine blessing from Mother Mary…comes to you at a time when you may be uncertain of your future…you are asked to surrender your concerns into Mother Mary’s care and to take a step – any step- that feels right for you.
Confirmation my Soul really has my back. I’ve pulled this card consistently for months.
Card 2: A message your Guide would like to give you in this moment – 5. Our Lady of Soul Birth
Somewhere in your life, in your relationships or within yourself, you have been holding back…you were worried that what wanted to come out was not acceptable, or that you would be shamed. Mother Mary tells you that she loves you and wants you to blossom…There is nothing to fear, there is only love that is growing.
I was in a place of wanting to write this blog, share my experiences, but also SO much fear was blocking me on taking action.
Card 3: Something your Guide has been trying to convey to you that you have not been receptive to in the past – 44. Our Lady of Charity
I call upon my strongest children to aid those in need…If you are interested in a profession of healing, or spiritual guidance or teaching in some way, pray to her to help you find the path forward, and do not worry about how it will come to pass.
I had never pulled this card before, so this was very exciting. I was feeling very torn about my profession. I sensed I had something more to do in this life, to do with all of those things mentioned above. I could not, for the life of me, see how my current job was in alignment with this calling I was feeling.
Card 4: How to be more open to messages from your Guide in the future – 9. Our Lady of Passion
Dare to dream of your fulfillment, beloved. I bring you the resources you need to succeed, so that all of this planet may benefit from your heart on fire with divine passionate purpose….the time has come.
This had everything to do with opening up and channeling my Soul, writing, sharing. Shortly after I did this spread, shifts happened and I learned to channel my Soul, who goes by the name of Aiyeesha.
Card 5: What is this Guide helping you with on your path – 25. Our Lady Who Sends the Angels
I have vast resources and can assist you in endless ways. Pray to me that I may send you my angels…Your sense of angelic energy around you is absolutely accurate and correct, and you are asked to trust in these beings and continue to pray for their assistance, protection and intervention.
I had a lot of questions this session. After the first response, I admit, I felt a little panicked, as if this connection was something I just made up and it wasn’t real and wasn’t going to last. I am pleased to say, I have since been proven the opposite.
Q: What does my Beloved Soul want me to know?
Caramel cream. The Sweetness of Life.
(Baffled me, honestly, but okay, let’s go with it. Who knows what will come…)
Q: What should my business be about?
Write. Be a place of depth. Cut through the noise.
Q: Why am I having a hard time connecting today?
There is no reason and there is no difficulty. We are communicating all the time. I will never leave you. There is much noise on the internet. You will create a calm oasis of sanity. Don’t worry about how you will make money. Leave that up to us.
Q: What do I need to do for my physical body?
Yoga. Move all of that energy stored in your cells out into the world.
And then: Whenever we give you a download, just write about it. Add your own thoughts. For the highest and best for all.
Note: I had a really rough day at my job the day prior to this download. I was crying at 9 a.m. from the pressures. I found myself curled into the corner, still standing, mind you, repeating to myself, “I can’t take this. I can’t take this.” I got up the next day, went through the motions of getting ready for work, showered, and then really checked in with myself. What do I need? Is it alright to just pretend all that pressure is over and just start up again? Same shit, different day? I don’t mean to sound facetious. Lately, I have developed a deeper awareness of the need to take really good care of myself. That doing things that feel good are more important than anything. I cannot be helpful to anyone when I am curling up in a ball in my office having a breakdown at 9 a.m. on a Thursday. It was important for me to know I was choosing to not to go to work not because I was avoiding anything…but because I needed to take radical care of myself. I’m really glad I did, because I vegged out most of the day and remembered how it felt when I burned out from my nursing job 9 years ago. It was feeling the same. And that’s not because I can’t handle pressure. I’m a master at handling pressure. Sometimes well, sometimes not so well. I just don’t want to do it anymore. Certainly not this day. And so I was checking in with Aiyeesha. Aiyeesha Who Loves Me. The name I’ve given my Soul. Here’s what she had to say to me…
Q: What does my Soul want me to know or hear for my highest and best?
You are right to rest your heart and mind today. You are knowing how you want to feel, how you feel as your BEST self. Be with your dog today. Do the assignment. It was a very good decision to make.
You were right when you tapped into your throat chakra about producing the goddess-in-training series (a project that has been in the formulation stage for a LONG time; I totally forgot about it). They will be created by you. We will help.
P.S. Sometimes She doesn’t come through with a ton of content. This was one of those days and I had to take stock of where I was at. It’s never that She is not there. It’s more likely that I am wound up too tight to listen. Or hear. Or in fear. Fearful that I’m going to hear something I don’t like or can’t handle. That’s never been the case and I need to learn to trust Her absolute love for me. I’m learning.
The bit about the throat chakra – the day of the near meltdown (meh, maybe it was an actual meltdown), I felt quite stifled in being able to express myself. The way the job is, I really don’t get to say exactly what I want to say. Sometimes it seems it’s just not worth it. So yeah, my voice. I didn’t get to say how I felt. How much pressure I was feeling. How much pressure there really IS. Not just me and my sensitive feelings. I am a tough emmer effer. And maybe it was just the way the planets were aligning to make it this perfect storm. My voice was stifled, though, so I focused in my grounding and centering on my chakras, sending them healing light and attention and my throat chakra needed some TLC. No surprise. The lesson for me was, if I cannot express myself in the job, where can I express myself? The answer has been shared by Aiyeesha from Day 1. WRITE. (okay, okay!)
Ironically, the day or two prior to this meltdown at work, I checked in and received this:
You cannot hear when you are suffering. Really rest. Unplug. Stop staying up so late.
Didn’t recognize it for what it really meant. A bit of a warning, perhaps?!
There is a new way to be, you MUST be, if you want to manage moving forward.
More play. Letting go of this idea you have of the world, of Life, of how it is “supposed to be”.
Radical acceptance of a new way. Radical letting go.
Q: How do I do this? How do I remove the blocks that are keeping me in fear?
Writing. It will always come from the highest and best part of yourself. Choose to write nothing but. When every word comes from Soul, they can’t touch that and there’s nothing to fear.
Not the trolls. Not the Muggles. No one. No thing. Nothing.
Make more art. That is your form of play. And play helps you loosen your grip. That place in your mind where you go and suspend all judgement. Where Soul can connect with you easier – if you are open. You can BE more open when you play. When you remove yourself from the mundanity of your life. (yes, that’s the word She used!)
I’m closer to being in my 60’s. Every day I get closer. I have a few more years to go, but I’m closer to 60 than 50. As I’ve aged (not even sure what this means), I’ve had to come to grips with (really?) the fact that youth, and all that it means, has left the building.
Come to grips with. Just gotta let that sink in for a moment. Like it’s been some sort of struggle. Why is that? Is it because, in this Western society of ours, we value youth over experience? Still? Yes, still. Maybe it’s because we put so much value on the potential that youth holds. Our choices seem so much more vast when we are younger and have not made quite as many mistakes (yet).
Life does not have to be like that. No matter how many trips around the sun you’ve taken, every day you wake up is a new day to make different choices, including whether to see your beauty. Until the day you die. Nobody is keeping you in a box. Nobody, except you. You are the only one telling yourself that your choices are more limited now that you are older. Your ability to make choices will remain with you as long as you are cognitively able to make them. Choices are no longer there, but, if you expand your imagination a bit, you’ll see that, perhaps, because of your experience, you have more choices now than you did when you were younger. But your beauty? Your beauty will last forever. When and how were you directed to stop seeing your beauty?
Resist the Bombardment
We have all been subjected to some degree by the media determining what is beauty and, by the process of elimination, what is not. We have also been conditioned to expect instant gratification. We have to fight that force. It’s not real. It’s made up and not true. Withstand the urge to limit your ability to see based on what media is telling you and choose to open your mind to see beauty for what it truly is.
Eyes to See
The bullies. The criticizers. The trolls. They cannot see beauty. You, when you’re beating up on yourself or others, criticizing yourself or others, choosing to say something mean online. Those are times that you are not seeing your own beauty. It is not that beauty does not exist. Beauty is the same as choice. It exists and will continue to exist, with our without you. Beauty, like love, is everywhere. In those moments we cannot see it, it’s still there. We just have not chosen to see it.
A Redefined Definition
I’m not the same kind of beautiful as I was in my 20’s. Or 30’s even, before the life lessons began to eat away at me. Divorce. Heartache. Heartbreak. Depression. Loss. Grief. Nobody gets out of here without some or all of these things. These hard, very hard, times, can eat away at you. And it’s hard, alright. It is Life Itself, hardening you off. Making you stronger, more resilient. And oh, I get how much we resist these lessons. Such a lame word for something so powerful, really, but I’ll use it for lack of a better word. The lessons make you MORE beautiful. And you have to be willing to see your beauty when you get through it. Actually, it would be helpful if you could keep seeing your beauty while you’re going through the lesson. I am not the same beautiful as I was, but believe I am MORE beautiful. My depth, well earned, has beautified me.
I see my privilege of being a young, white, lower-middle class, attractive female. Yes, even lower-middle class is a privilege. I was esthetically beautiful in my younger days. But I was also rather empty, spiritually. I could not stand up for myself. I could not carry on any sort of interesting conversation. There was no substance to me in my youth. I had no real interests. But I was cute. I’ve always been cute. Where did it get me? What good did cute really do? Didn’t matter, is where it got me. It got me what it got anyone. Life experiences. This whole thing about privilege is a bit of a loaded subject. I want to stress that I was born into a level of privilege, this shiny apple still fell hard from the tree and had to deal with some hard, hard ground. My life has been both with and without privilege, which I’ll discuss with the Great Mother Herself, later.
I find myself now, approaching my 60s, no longer having days of low self esteem. Low self esteem is just gone. It’s been worked out of my system. I see myself for the beautiful soul that I am. I have depth. I have built character. Or, shall I say, life has build depth and character within me. I have interesting things to say. I’m pretty funny, if you get to know me. I did not make myself deeper or fuller of character. There is no way I would have consciously picked the way my life turned out. The lessons. The experiences. There were really hard times. I hope they are behind me, but I know that I can manage whatever comes my way, because those very same hard times made me who and what I am today.
I’d liken my life, up to this point, to having been put through a blender. Each trial, each lesson, each major situation I’ve had to face, felt like my whole being was being shredded. All that I knew about myself was being stripped away. The essence of my self remained. Like a honkin’ big smoothie in a blender. All the ingredients, masticated, blended, voila, beautiful, healthy drink in the end. All the original ingredients are there still. you just can’t see them in the form you are used to seeing them. It’s the same with elements of beauty. You can try to look harder to see the beauty in yourself and others, or you can just have faith and know it’s there.
Seeing Beauty in Others
What really goes through your mind when you see a homeless person, someone living close to the street? Does a thought of judgement arise? What about seeing a person struggling with their physical body, or even in a body that is not what we are conditioned to believe is a beautiful body? Allow the judgement to arise, if it’s there, by all means. But then invite yourself to open up to seeing a different definition of beauty. Look beyond the physical. It’s even harder to see beauty when the person themselves does not see it, cannot see it, because their image of themselves is so full of self-loathing. We have a tendency to jump on the thought bandwagon and agree with their perception of themselves. Resist the urge to do this. Those who cannot see their own beauty need those of us who can to see it even more. To recognize their beauty and speak to that beauty, that love that is within, always.
Seeing Beauty in Yourself
I have come full circle. I see my beauty now. I’ve done a ton of internal work. Hard, inner work. I am nothing like I used to be, and I consider this a blessing. If you cannot see my beauty, that’s okay. I don’t need you to see it to know it is there. I see your beauty, too. I know it is there, it has always been there, and no matter how much you may loathe yourself now, or feel the need to strike out verbally or spiritually (same thing) towards others who do not look the way you think beauty ought to look. Beauty will always be there, waiting for you to return to yourself.
I hope you’ll choose to have a beautiful, and beauty-filled, day, my friend. I know I will. See the world how you wish it to be. See the beauty in those who wish you to see it otherwise. Resist believing in an antiquated definition of beauty. And, truly, the beauty you see in yourself will become reflected in your external world.
Throughout the years, I have spent time and money on introspection and courses, on understanding the metaphysics of manifestation. Invariably, regardless of what I wanted or desired, it came down to this: Everything is waiting for you. It’s all there, waiting for you to allow it into your reality. You just have to value your being and allow it to manifest.
Okay, so let’s just say this is true. It would stand then, that if it’s all there waiting for me, and it has not yet manifested in my reality, then I am somehow blocking the manifestation process (with my thoughts and/or feelings) and thereby not allowing. One reason I may be blocking is by holding a belief that I am not worthy of receiving my good. This is actually a common problem among us humans.
Ending A Life of Struggle
I have been struggling with living a life of ease for many years. No hiding that. I have done an amazing job with my life, and I am proud of the work I have done and the children I’ve raised. But it hasn’t been easy. I was a single mom, who put herself through nursing school with two school-aged beauties, then hooked up with a guy who was so negative. So negative. And angry and unhappy and suspicious. And I thought that if I loved him enough he’d be okay. This was all before I began exploring metaphysics. Duh.
I extricated myself from what was, essentially, an abusive relationship. I sacrificed a great deal and, thankfully, and not without a lot of work on my part, my relationships with my beauties are better than ever. It was very tenuous, though, and not without damages to them that they are or are not having to work through on their own now as adults. I regret causing pain, of course, but there seemed no other alternative at the time.
Valuing My Own Being
But see, if I valued my own being, I never would have been in that horrendous experience of a relationship. It was what it was, though, and I was where I was, at the time. I struggled with my self esteem as a child, as a teen, and, let’s face it, as an adult. I did not know my value, or see my worth. My parents were not those kind of parents who cared about that stuff.
I know I did not value my own worth, because the circumstances of my life demonstrated my beliefs. Our reality begins within our own minds first. Always. Not to mean that everything that happens to us is our ‘fault’, or that our thoughts cause the catastrophes we experience, etc. But you can very often look at the circumstances of your life and see it as a barometer, of sorts, on how you’re doing. Your reality is a reflection of the inner workings of your mind. I know. Deep.
Showing Up for A Friend
Anyhow, the other day I texted a friend to see how she was doing. I knew she was moving soon, out of a house that she raised her family in. A house her husband built, on the ocean. A house where her young son died unexpectedly, years ago. There was a lot that happened in that house. I suspected (intuited?) that maybe she could use some support. I was not wrong. She had been feeling very alone, packing up the house full of memories by herself.
I showed up for her. She made us a cup of Gold Cup Chai tea and we sat on her deck. I was just my normal self, listening to her stories, telling her mine, just like we always do. She’s my best friend. I love her dearly. It occurred to me as I was leaving, that she was not in the same energetic space she was when I got there. It was profoundly obvious that my presence lifted her up.
Seriously, it was the EASIEST thing in the world to do. Took NO effort on my part, yet it was SO very important to me that she feel better, that she be able to return to the beautiful emitter of light that she is. The world needs her light, as it needs all our light. I suddenly saw my value. I “saw” how valuable I was. To her, in that moment. She said she was feeling a lot better and, I don’t know if it’s just because of the way she shared that with me, something just clicked.
You Have Nothing to Prove to Anyone
All these years, working SO FRICKIN’ HARD all the time, all out, every day, flippin’ exhausting myself. Why? To prove what? Well, it never proves anything because it just can be done. You can’t prove your worth to others. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Even when they tell you to prove it to them or treat you in a way that makes you feel diminished, thereby making you think you have something to prove.
You don’t owe anyone anything, especially proving your own worth to anyone else. The only person who has to come to understand your worth, is YOU. Then shift happens.
Closing the Gap
Maybe people who have always understood their worth in the world have always felt this good. I wouldn’t know. For whatever reason, my journey has been one of not knowing my worth, then working like stink, inside and out, and finding my worth. All the stuff I wanted before was wanted in an effort to fill up this freakin’ gaping hole within my being. Today I am content with what is. Today I am so incredibly high and happy on life. These days I wake up early, ready for what the day may bring. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and it’s because I’ve managed to close the gap within my being. I am home to myself. I know that I am love, and I am able, and capable, of radiating that love to the world. Because I see my light now. I’ve seen what it does. I can’t ever
undervalue that light ever again. It is a sacred light. It is the giver of life. It’s within every single one of us and we have a responsibility to nurture our being, care for ourselves, strengthen our will and bring our light to others, where we remind them of their own light. And so it goes.
I’ve been on vacation the past two weeks from my day job. When I left work, I had been super stressed out. My blood pressure was elevated and I was NOT feeling very well at all. It took me about a week of vacation to start to come down from that feeling. I thought I’d never get back to a comfy laid-back kind of feeling, but I have. There was a lot going on in my life the past two weeks, so it was only natural to have felt the effects.
From Filth to Light
See, I moved after living in a small, dark, dingy basement suite for five years. Oh my goddess, you guys, the filth I was living in…I had no idea. I’ll have to write more about it later. It was that profound of an experience. I do have some theories about it. Had some good insights, so it’s all good. But boy, oh boy. It was a rough experience. Here’s the entrance to the brand new building I moved into:
From One to Two
So not only did I move, but my beautiful daughter gave birth to this sweet baby:
This is my second grandson. Second grandchild. Love love love. If you’re not a grandparent yet, just wait. There’s nothing like it. For those who won’t get to experience that, I am sorry. I cannot believe how wonderful it is to be a Nana. Love this role of mine.
Lots of changes. As always, my thoughts have been on how to create my own work so I don’t have to work for the man. Or whoever/whatever. The government job that I am to return to on Monday. I’ve been on this specific journey for….years. Yeah. It’s been years of me thinking/hoping/praying on how to “figure out” how to work differently without compromising my present lifestyle. Which, I ought to point out, is NOT extravagant. I’ve been working at this government job for about seven years now. It’s stressful. The work is marginally rewarding. It’s important, for sure. But rewarding? Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you must do it. And that’s where I’m at currently.
I initially started this website totally convinced it was going to be me telling my readers (of which, I’m pretty sure, is zero at this writing) how to grow their goddess energy. Whatever that really means. I kept feeling really, really, stuck and I could not get a sense of what to say or how to say it or what this website was really all about. I knew what I wanted to convey. Didn’t have a clue what direction to take it. And that’s what brings me to the title of this post. I am taking my own advice.
Listening to the Oracle
I have spent the past few days consulting with my oracle cards. Taking to heart what was being revealed to me. Much of it was about having faith, really. One card assured me there was a major transformational paradigm shift coming, and that surprise success was upon me. Hmmm. Everything seems the same. Then another card was about asking for help. Another assured me that Mother Mary knew what I wanted and I just needed to open up to it.
OMG people. It’s been intense. Privately intense. Intense, introspective thoughts that I have not shared with anyone. Thoughts like, “What the hell am I doing with my life at 57? What the hell do I think I’m doing, trying to BE something other than a government worker? At my age. Whatever that means.”
Taking My Own Advice
After all these very hopeful cards, I decided to really listen and made some changes to how I think about things. See, I do recall this little voice that kept whispering, “Where is my business that I want?!” As long as I kept THAT tape running, that’s what I got. A business that I wanted. Not one that I have. One that is wanted. My thoughts kept my desired manifestation in pushed away status. If Mother Mary knows what I want, why the hell am I continuously TELLING her that I want a thriving business of my own? SHE KNOWS. STOP TELLING HER OVER AND OVER. She knows. She. knows.
Asking for Help
So I’m asking for help from my guides and helpers and paying attention to how help is showing up. Help shows up when the guy who takes care of my cell phone stuff tells me there is a special discount for business owners and to come back when my business is set up. Help shows up when the delay getting my internet installed is suddenly, today, resolved. (I still don’t have internet at home and I’m writing this at Starbucks, but you get what I’m saying?) There’s been MOVEMENT. Stuff is starting to happen. Shifts are happening. Perhaps, even, that big paradigm shift…I’m right in it.
I’m always telling people to go within, that they have the answers they need within, that we really just need to silence our nattering minds and listen. So I’m taking my own good advice. I’ve been walking the talk this week, and it’s paying off. The information that has been passed down to me is that this blog is not about me as some sort of authority on living life as a goddess. It’s to completely be a showcase for my own experiences, to show you how to live a life as a goddess. Because I’ve had to teach myself how, and will continue to teach myself how. It’s a journey, not a finished project. Stuff will constantly come up that will provide me with an opportunity to respond in a goddess-like manner. Or not, and to forgive myself then.
I asked for guidance on what to make this website about. I knew it was a great name, but I honestly did not know much more. We’ll be moving in a more personal direction and you’ll get to see what I’m all about. How THIS goddess is growing. Even at 57. Because I won’t be done until the day I die. Even then, I suspect I’ll keep expanding.
I’d been having issues with my heart. This was the day I went for an echocardiogram. An animated xray of the heart. I watched up close, searching desperately for some recognizable out of place thing. I saw a lot but it didn’t make any sense. Even to my nurse-trained eyes. I couldn’t tell if the valve was working properly. It was flapping around a lot, but I have nothing for reference that would tell me it was supposed to do that or not.
So now I wait, and I am pondering the idea of having a ‘broken’ heart. My thoughts take me back to the very first REAL heartbreak – uninvited news on our tenth wedding anniversary. I sat across from my husband, a sunny May evening, hardly anyone else around. Ten years of marriage, lots of ups and downs, but never giving up. We had a five year old and a three year old. I felt like we were just starting to get it together. We were in our early 20’s when we met. We had a lot of growing to do and a lot of childhood trauma on both sides to work through. Still, I thought we were going to make it. That is, until the bomb dropped.
A Fierce Reaction
I had a fierce first reaction to the news. Well, let me just show HIM what he would have missed if he’d left me for the dance major in university he was screwing while I was pregnant with our first child. I’ll show him how wild I can be. I’ll show him how he doesn’t really know me. It must have been the couple glasses of wine that made it feel all okay. It wasn’t okay. Truthfully, I was in shock and I could not deal. I shoved it right down into that deep, dark place where I put all the things that needed careful unpacking. Then I proceeded to invite him into the bathroom to screw. To somehow show him that it didn’t matter. That our love was stronger than an affair five and half years ago. Jesus Christ. What was I thinking?!
Scar Tissue on My Heart
I tried to be okay with what happened, for 25 years. Although I didn’t know what we had, I thought it was real. Only now can I admit that I chose to believe that he had nothing to hide from me. I told myself that he broke my heart, and I believed that for a long time. That HE did it. HE was the one who was unfaithful. HE was the one who found someone more interesting than big-as-a-house pregnant me. It was awful to unpack all that. I felt so unwanted, unattractive, unlovable, uninteresting and unbeautiful. I believed these reactionary “stories” about myself for a long, long time. It was a pretty deep wound that would take years to heal. The wound has become scar tissue and my heart will always be sensitive in certain places. It’s only natural.
So I believed, for a long time, that HE did it to ME. Truth: I never wanted to marry him in the first place but my self esteem was so in my boots, I didn’t believe a) that anyone more compatible existed, b) that I could survive on my own without being married and c) that I didn’t have to get married just because that was what my parents expected of me. They never overtly said it, but they never, ever communicated to me that it was also possible to go to university or focus on a career or travel.
Supported by the Universe
Fast forward. I’ve had a lot of heartbreaks. I always picked myself up. But I feel every goddamn little thing. I feel the heartbreak. It’s not just in my head. It’s in my body and, I suspect, my heart specifically. Just kind of interesting to look inside my physical heart to see what kind of effect all of this heartbreak has had on me. My heart feels a little bit broken. I’m tired of trying to ‘make it’, to be alright. I just want to do what I love, plunge into a creative life, and live my purpose. Old me would say that’s just too much to ask. New me – the me who is now connected within to her inner being, her Goddess energy – would say, “YES”.
My heart has taken a beating over the years. I always manage to pick myself back up. Wounds heal over. Scar tissue forms. This thing with my actual heart may be something. May be nothing. I know myself well enough now to know, without a doubt, I am supported by the Universe. Everything always works out for me. And I am meant to live my best life.
My inner being, my Higher Self, my guides, the collective, whatever you want to call it, mine has to throw down a few F-bombs to get my attention. I dunno. Just the way I am, I guess.
I am currently dealing with high blood pressure. While I’m sure it’s a result of the stress of my job, I also realize it’s not going to correct itself without removing the source of the stress.
Reading The Signs
I’ve known this for a long time. It’s foolish to believe I’ll get different results while doing things the same way. My job is stressful…to me. Others can cope working that job. I was going to say ‘under those conditions’, but conditions are subjective. What I find stressful may not be stressful for others. Or, I may find the work stressful BECAUSE IT IS and others have not woken up to it yet. They haven’t experienced the wacko high blood pressure I have. But I see they struggle, too, with chronic inflammatory illnesses.
I don’t believe we are meant to do that. I don’t believe Life is asking us to burn ourselves out like that, at the expense of our well-being. Sometimes, especially us caregiver types, we forget to put the oxygen on ourselves first. And we don’t notice we’re gasping for breath until sometimes it’s too late.
Wake Up Calls
The Universe will throw us some pretty good wake up calls. Sometimes we’re so caught up in the drama of our lives we answer those calls as if they are any other.
“Oh, hello [Universe, Higher Self, Inner Being], how are you?!”
“We’re good, good as always, never better, but we’re calling to address something we see happening for you that is taking you away from your true, authentic, soul calling and we want to help you course correct.”
“You don’t understand. You’ve now got high blood pressure. You didn’t pay attention when it started rising a few months ago. You didn’t pay attention when you injured yourself not once, but twice in the last little while. Injuries that took some time to heal. You didn’t pay attention when you were driving home from work crying on the regular because of the stress. WTF, woman?! We’ve given you SO many ‘signs’ and still, you question whether you need to make a change. You seem unable to make the connection that this huge downhill spiral in your health since, oh, year three of the job, could mean that maybe, just maybe, you need to be doing something else. I mean, C’MON!!!!”
What Do You Really Want?
I pushed through it all. Not without complaining, mind you, and I thank my family and friends for putting up with all that complaining. It’s not a nice way to be. It’s not what I want my life to be.
The thing is, all these years, just a few, mind you, but these past, oh, about four years, I wanted change. Wanted it badly. I just didn’t wake up to something I’ve known for awhile. I did not wake up to the fact that the job, as hard as it had been for me, was a circumstance. It was something already created with the purpose of self-development. Pushing against it, trying to make it something it could never be, was a waste of my precious energies.
Live and learn.
F-Bombs from My Inner Being
My Inner Being threw some F-bombs down at me yesterday. A lot of “What the fuck are you thinking?!” and “What the fuck are you DOING?! AGAIN?!!!” And it wasn’t just the realization of the strain of the job. It had to do with another opportunity for work that came my way. It was really an opportunity for me to see how I fall oh so comfortably back into victim mode.
Just Because It Looks Good, Doesn’t Mean It’s Right
See, these guys were saying maybe we would go into partnership on a thing and it all sounded so big and exciting but it would have to happen by a certain (soon) date. I fell into this subservient thinking mode where I found myself bending backwards (and stressing even more!) trying to find a way to make this work. WTF, right?! Truth is, it JUST WON’T WORK FOR ME. Not under their timeline. I also don’t have the energy it would take to do what they wanted to do. They’ll have to find someone else. I have someone in mind and I’ll pass that along.
Lessons Are Everywhere
The lesson wasn’t that I would say yes to this opportunity and poof, all my angst would be relieved. How is that a lesson?
The lesson was this: Don’t be such a fucking pushover. AGAIN.
The lesson was this: OWN YOUR OWN FUCKING LIFE.
The lesson was this: YOU DON’T HAVE TO TAKE IT LYING DOWN. AGAIN.
The lesson was this: You don’t have to say yes to everything we present you just because it appears. Some things, even when they appear awesome, require discernment and checking in with your wise inner self.
And I did that. I checked in on why this wasn’t a Hell Yea. Because it wasn’t. It was an “OMG this is fantastic!”, a “Wow, this opportunity is amazing and out of the blue and therefore it must be a miracle and if I said no to it I’d be crazy”. There was no “Hell Yea” and I deserve a Hell Yea kind of life. We all do. Hell Yeas come from making decisions in alignment with your soul. I checked in with myself. I was not thrilled at what was ahead. It would be a whole lot of what I didn’t really want.
Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Must
Why would I say yes to that? Just because I CAN do something, and do it well, does not mean I should or must. Discern. Must be discerning. You just gotta check in with yourself and freakin’ LISTEN and take THAT action. Listening in to your inner wisdom, your inner Goddess, THE Goddess will never lead you astray.
I’m learning to trust that voice myself, still. I won’t pretend I do it all the time, but I’m getting better every time. My life, my well-being, depends on it. I’m learning to trust that voice, even though she swears at me, but that’s what it takes. She’s getting through to me. Finally.