My Inner Being Swears Like a Trucker

My inner being, my Higher Self, my guides, the collective, whatever you want to call it, mine has to throw down a few F-bombs to get my attention. I dunno. Just the way I am, I guess.

I am currently dealing with high blood pressure. While I’m sure it’s a result of the stress of my job, I also realize it’s not going to correct itself without removing the source of the stress.

Reading The Signs

I’ve known this for a long time. It’s foolish to believe I’ll get different results while doing things the same way. My job is stressful…to me. Others can cope working that job. I was going to say ‘under those conditions’, but conditions are subjective. What I find stressful may not be stressful for others. Or, I may find the work stressful BECAUSE IT IS and others have not woken up to it yet. They haven’t experienced the wacko high blood pressure I have. But I see they struggle, too, with chronic inflammatory illnesses.

I don’t believe we are meant to do that. I don’t believe Life is asking us to burn ourselves out like that, at the expense of our well-being. Sometimes, especially us caregiver types, we forget to put the oxygen on ourselves first. And we don’t notice we’re gasping for breath until sometimes it’s too late.

Wake Up Calls

The Universe will throw us some pretty good wake up calls. Sometimes we’re so caught up in the drama of our lives we answer those calls as if they are any other.

“Oh, hello [Universe, Higher Self, Inner Being], how are you?!”

“We’re good, good as always, never better, but we’re calling to address something we see happening for you that is taking you away from your true, authentic, soul calling and we want to help you course correct.”

“Okay, cool”

“You don’t understand. You’ve now got high blood pressure. You didn’t pay attention when it started rising a few months ago. You didn’t pay attention when you injured yourself not once, but twice in the last little while. Injuries that took some time to heal. You didn’t pay attention when you were driving home from work crying on the regular because of the stress. WTF, woman?! We’ve given you SO many ‘signs’ and still, you question whether you need to make a change. You seem unable to make the connection that this huge downhill spiral in your health since, oh, year three of the job, could mean that maybe, just maybe, you need to be doing something else. I mean, C’MON!!!!”

What Do You Really Want?

I pushed through it all. Not without complaining, mind you, and I thank my family and friends for putting up with all that complaining. It’s not a nice way to be. It’s not what I want my life to be.

The thing is, all these years, just a few, mind you, but these past, oh, about four years, I wanted change. Wanted it badly. I just didn’t wake up to something I’ve known for awhile. I did not wake up to the fact that the job, as hard as it had been for me, was a circumstance. It was something already created with the purpose of self-development. Pushing against it, trying to make it something it could never be, was a waste of my precious energies.

Live and learn.

F-Bombs from My Inner Being

My Inner Being threw some F-bombs down at me yesterday. A lot of “What the fuck are you thinking?!” and “What the fuck are you DOING?! AGAIN?!!!” And it wasn’t just the realization of the strain of the job. It had to do with another opportunity for work that came my way. It was really an opportunity for me to see how I fall oh so comfortably back into victim mode.

Just Because It Looks Good, Doesn’t Mean It’s Right

See, these guys were saying maybe we would go into partnership on a thing and it all sounded so big and exciting but it would have to happen by a certain (soon) date. I fell into this subservient thinking mode where I found myself bending backwards (and stressing even more!) trying to find a way to make this work. WTF, right?! Truth is, it JUST WON’T WORK FOR ME. Not under their timeline. I also don’t have the energy it would take to do what they wanted to do. They’ll have to find someone else. I have someone in mind and I’ll pass that along.

Lessons Are Everywhere

The lesson wasn’t that I would say yes to this opportunity and poof, all my angst would be relieved. How is that a lesson?

The lesson was this: Don’t be such a fucking pushover. AGAIN.

The lesson was this: OWN YOUR OWN FUCKING LIFE.

The lesson was this: YOU DON’T HAVE TO TAKE IT LYING DOWN. AGAIN.

The lesson was this: You don’t have to say yes to everything we present you just because it appears. Some things, even when they appear awesome, require discernment and checking in with your wise inner self.

And I did that. I checked in on why this wasn’t a Hell Yea. Because it wasn’t. It was an “OMG this is fantastic!”, a “Wow, this opportunity is amazing and out of the blue and therefore it must be a miracle and if I said no to it I’d be crazy”. There was no “Hell Yea” and I deserve a Hell Yea kind of life. We all do. Hell Yeas come from making decisions in alignment with your soul. I checked in with myself. I was not thrilled at what was ahead. It would be a whole lot of what I didn’t really want.

Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Must

Why would I say yes to that? Just because I CAN do something, and do it well, does not mean I should or must. Discern. Must be discerning. You just gotta check in with yourself and freakin’ LISTEN and take THAT action. Listening in to your inner wisdom, your inner Goddess, THE Goddess will never lead you astray.

I’m learning to trust that voice myself, still. I won’t pretend I do it all the time, but I’m getting better every time. My life, my well-being, depends on it. I’m learning to trust that voice, even though she swears at me, but that’s what it takes. She’s getting through to me. Finally.

 

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