Awakening My Heart


Photo by Wyron A on Unsplash

Note: This is a soul journal session I wrote on March 3, 2019. For those who are new here, I have connected with my Soul, as learned from Elisa Romeo’s book, Know Your Soul, and her name is Aiyeesha.

Aiyeesha, I tried to connect with you but I could not hear you. There is a lot of background noise. I know I created it. I don’t know why I’m so resistant of late.

Life wish/death wish, I guess.

It is no secret how hard I find life on Earth to be. I feel without direction again. I did hear you (I think it was you) a while back say, “Make little things and put your consciousness into everything you make” and goddess alter art came to mind. Spirit dolls. Bringing people into consciousness. It feels so hopeless and yet, as I watched a video with Elisa Romeo, that is the point. That hopelessness is why we have to do whatever we have to do.

My work is to raise consciousness. Mine and others’. THE work. The only work.

I did a 5 card tarot spread with my Mother Mary Oracle cards (by Alana Fairchild) on my career. Here’s what came about:

I am in the job I am to bring consciousness. I can ask the Angels for help. I have not done that before. I can be more open to messages in the future by paying attention to what my heart feels. My guide has been trying to convey that I take all that I am into my work. I am a healer. Up until now, I’ve been blocking off that part of me at work. This IS my healing work. This IS my holy mission. The message my guide wanted to give me is the same card I’ve had sitting on my altar for weeks. Our Lady of Soul Birth:

“…becoming a divinely awakened human being is a raw, wild and beautiful path, often with great suffering…She empowers us, through her wisdom, to take the journey with a fearless faith in her divine protection and guidance when we are in need.”

So I already know I do not take my Soul to work with me consciously. I know now She is always there with me. But I pretty much ignore her. Up until now. I have clarity now. The Angels are there, waiting for me to ASK for help.

Here’s the layout and the cards I pulled with a synopsis of the meaning (to me). You can find the layout I used from Emerald Lotus here.

Card 1: Card to represent your Guide – 3. Our Lady of Becoming

…comes to you with a message of grace and divine blessing from Mother Mary…comes to you at a time when you may be uncertain of your future…you are asked to surrender your concerns into Mother Mary’s care and to take a step – any step- that feels right for you.

Confirmation my Soul really has my back. I’ve pulled this card consistently for months.

Card 2: A message your Guide would like to give you in this moment – 5. Our Lady of Soul Birth

Somewhere in your life, in your relationships or within yourself, you have been holding back…you were worried that what wanted to come out was not acceptable, or that you would be shamed. Mother Mary tells you that she loves you and wants you to blossom…There is nothing to fear, there is only love that is growing.

I was in a place of wanting to write this blog, share my experiences, but also SO much fear was blocking me on taking action.

Card 3: Something your Guide has been trying to convey to you that you have not been receptive to in the past – 44. Our Lady of Charity

I call upon my strongest children to aid those in need…If you are interested in a profession of healing, or spiritual guidance or teaching in some way, pray to her to help you find the path forward, and do not worry about how it will come to pass.

I had never pulled this card before, so this was very exciting. I was feeling very torn about my profession. I sensed I had something more to do in this life, to do with all of those things mentioned above. I could not, for the life of me, see how my current job was in alignment with this calling I was feeling.

Card 4: How to be more open to messages from your Guide in the future – 9. Our Lady of Passion

Dare to dream of your fulfillment, beloved. I bring you the resources you need to succeed, so that all of this planet may benefit from your heart on fire with divine passionate purpose….the time has come.

This had everything to do with opening up and channeling my Soul, writing, sharing. Shortly after I did this spread, shifts happened and I learned to channel my Soul, who goes by the name of Aiyeesha.

Card 5: What is this Guide helping you with on your path – 25. Our Lady Who Sends the Angels

I have vast resources and can assist you in endless ways. Pray to me that I may send you my angels…Your sense of angelic energy around you is absolutely accurate and correct, and you are asked to trust in these beings and continue to pray for their assistance, protection and intervention.

More confirmation I am on my right path.

Check out Emerald Tarot (www.emeraldtarot.ca) for more awesome spreads. It’s becoming my go-to.

Learning to Take My Own Good Advice

I’ve been on vacation the past two weeks from my day job. When I left work, I had been super stressed out. My blood pressure was elevated and I was NOT feeling very well at all. It took me about a week of vacation to start to come down from that feeling. I thought I’d never get back to a comfy laid-back kind of feeling, but I have. There was a lot going on in my life the past two weeks, so it was only natural to have felt the effects.

From Filth to Light

See, I moved after living in a small, dark, dingy basement suite for five years. Oh my goddess, you guys, the filth I was living in…I had no idea. I’ll have to write more about it later. It was that profound of an experience. I do have some theories about it. Had some good insights, so it’s all good. But boy, oh boy. It was a rough experience. Here’s the entrance to the brand new building I moved into:

From One to Two

So not only did I move, but my beautiful daughter gave birth to this sweet baby:

Baby Finn

This is my second grandson. Second grandchild. Love love love. If you’re not a grandparent yet, just wait. There’s nothing like it. For those who won’t get to experience that, I am sorry.  I cannot believe how wonderful it is to be a Nana. Love this role of mine.

Transitions

Lots of changes. As always, my thoughts have been on how to create my own work so I don’t have to work for the man. Or whoever/whatever. The government job that I am to return to on Monday. I’ve been on this specific journey for….years. Yeah. It’s been years of me thinking/hoping/praying on how to “figure out” how to work differently without compromising my present lifestyle. Which, I ought to point out, is NOT extravagant. I’ve been working at this government job for about seven years now. It’s stressful. The work is marginally rewarding. It’s important, for sure. But rewarding? Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you must do it. And that’s where I’m at currently.

I initially started this website totally convinced it was going to be me telling my readers (of which, I’m pretty sure, is zero at this writing) how to grow their goddess energy. Whatever that really means. I kept feeling really, really, stuck  and I could not get a sense of what to say or how to say it or what this website was really all about. I knew what I wanted to convey. Didn’t have a clue what direction to take it. And that’s what brings me to the title of this post. I am taking my own advice.

Listening to the Oracle

I have spent the past few days consulting with my oracle cards. Taking to heart what was being revealed to me. Much of it was about having faith, really. One card assured me there was a major transformational paradigm shift coming, and that surprise success was upon me. Hmmm. Everything seems the same. Then another card was about asking for help. Another assured me that Mother Mary knew what I wanted and I just needed to open up to it.

OMG people. It’s been intense. Privately intense. Intense, introspective thoughts that I have not shared with anyone. Thoughts like, “What the hell am I doing with my life at 57? What the hell do I think I’m doing, trying to BE something other than a government worker? At my age. Whatever that means.”

Taking My Own Advice

After all these very hopeful cards, I decided to really listen and made some changes to how I think about things. See, I do recall this little voice that kept whispering, “Where is my business that I want?!” As long as I kept THAT tape running, that’s what I got. A business that I wanted. Not one that I have. One that is wanted. My thoughts kept my desired manifestation in pushed away status. If Mother Mary knows what I want, why the hell am I continuously TELLING her that I want a thriving business of my own? SHE KNOWS. STOP TELLING HER OVER AND OVER. She knows. She. knows.

Asking for Help

So I’m asking for help from my guides and helpers and paying attention to how help is showing up. Help shows up when the guy who takes care of my cell phone stuff tells me there is a special discount for business owners and to come back when my business is set up. Help shows up when the delay getting my internet installed is suddenly, today, resolved. (I still don’t have internet at home and I’m writing this at Starbucks, but you get what I’m saying?) There’s been MOVEMENT. Stuff is starting to happen. Shifts are happening. Perhaps, even, that big paradigm shift…I’m right in it.

YES.

I’m always telling people to go within, that they have the answers they need within, that we really just need to silence our nattering minds and listen. So I’m taking my own good advice. I’ve been walking the talk this week, and it’s paying off. The information that has been passed down to me is that this blog is not about me as some sort of authority on living life as a goddess. It’s to completely be a showcase for my own experiences, to show you how to live a life as a goddess. Because I’ve had to teach myself how, and will continue to teach myself how. It’s a journey, not a finished project. Stuff will constantly come up that will provide me with an opportunity to respond in a goddess-like manner. Or not, and to forgive myself then.

I asked for guidance on what to make this website about. I knew it was a great name, but I honestly did not know much more. We’ll be moving in a more personal direction and you’ll get to see what I’m all about. How THIS goddess is growing. Even at 57. Because I won’t be done until the day I die. Even then, I suspect I’ll keep expanding.

Much love to you all,

Susan