A Closer Examination of My Heart

I’d been having issues with my heart. This was the day I went for an echocardiogram. An animated xray of the heart. I watched up close, searching desperately for some recognizable out of place thing. I saw a lot but it didn’t make any sense. Even to my nurse-trained eyes. I couldn’t tell if the valve was working properly. It was flapping around a lot, but I have nothing for reference that would tell me it was supposed to do that or not.

Broken Hearted

So now I wait, and I am pondering the idea of having a ‘broken’ heart. My thoughts take me back to the very first REAL heartbreak – uninvited news on our tenth wedding anniversary. I sat across from my husband, a sunny May evening, hardly anyone else around. Ten years of marriage, lots of ups and downs, but never giving up. We had a five year old and a three year old. I felt like we were just starting to get it together. We were in our early 20’s when we met. We had a lot of growing to do and a lot of childhood trauma on both sides to work through. Still, I thought we were going to make it. That is, until the bomb dropped.

A Fierce Reaction

I had a fierce first reaction to the news. Well, let me just show HIM what he would have missed if he’d left me for the dance major in university he was screwing while I was pregnant with our first child. I’ll show him how wild I can be. I’ll show him how he doesn’t really know me. It must have been the couple glasses of wine that made it feel all okay. It wasn’t okay. Truthfully, I was in shock and I could not deal. I shoved it right down into that deep, dark place where I put all the things that needed careful unpacking. Then I proceeded to invite him into the bathroom to screw. To somehow show him that it didn’t matter. That our love was stronger than an affair five and half years ago. Jesus Christ. What was I thinking?!

Scar Tissue on My Heart

I tried to be okay with what happened, for 25 years. Although I didn’t know what we had, I thought it was real. Only now can I admit that I chose to believe that he had nothing to hide from me. I told myself that he broke my heart, and I believed that for a long time. That HE did it. HE was the one who was unfaithful. HE was the one who found someone more interesting than big-as-a-house pregnant me. It was awful to unpack all that. I felt so unwanted, unattractive, unlovable, uninteresting and unbeautiful. I believed these reactionary “stories” about myself for a long, long time. It was a pretty deep wound that would take years to heal. The wound has become scar tissue and my heart will always be sensitive in certain places. It’s only natural.

So I believed, for a long time, that HE did it to ME. Truth: I never wanted to marry him in the first place but my self esteem was so in my boots, I didn’t believe a) that anyone more compatible existed, b) that I could survive on my own without being married and c) that I didn’t have to get married just because that was what my parents expected of me. They never overtly said it, but they never, ever communicated to me that it was also possible to go to university or focus on a career or travel.

Supported by the Universe

Fast forward. I’ve had a lot of heartbreaks. I always picked myself up. But I feel every goddamn little thing. I feel the heartbreak. It’s not just in my head. It’s in my body and, I suspect, my heart specifically. Just kind of interesting to look inside my physical heart to see what kind of effect all of this heartbreak has had on me.  My heart feels a little bit broken. I’m tired of trying to ‘make it’, to be alright. I just want to do what I love, plunge into a creative life, and live my purpose. Old me would say that’s just too much to ask. New me – the me who is now connected within to her inner being, her Goddess energy – would say, “YES”.

My heart has taken a beating over the years. I always manage to pick myself back up. Wounds heal over. Scar tissue forms. This thing with my actual heart may be something. May be nothing. I know myself well enough now to know, without a doubt, I am supported by the Universe. Everything always works out for me. And I am meant to live my best life.